lavender
by jane hidell
Summary: The first sleepover without any "childlike fun." Oh there's fun, but...well. *WINK* p.s. Kinda tame maybe by some standards (like my own...lol) but a good read I hope nonetheless. :) Also I plan to "re"write the story from Sheldon's POV because why not? :D -SOON lol!


Amy squinted at herself in the mirror. _Can't do much more now,_ she thought.

It was two weeks since the blanket-fort sleepover, and to her surprise Sheldon had acquiesced when she suggested a _bed_ sleepover. And while she assumed nothing would happen, she had tried to look nice. She didn't own all the lotions and potions that Penny and Bernadette were always buying…. Maybe she should. They were so damn beautiful.

A bottle of pricey perfumed lotion was on the counter; she could only assume it was Penny's. She smelled it and actually shivered a little at how alluring it was. Companies were doing wonders with pheromones these days. She considered putting some on, but didn't want to risk smelling like Penny. She could never anticipate what would trigger Sheldon's sense memory.

She twirled a little indulgently in her nightgown. It was sleeveless, but it almost reached the floor; the material was satiny and light purple and even had a few sparkles along the hem. Nothing revealing; nothing overtly sexual. But a considerable step above her regular flannel grandma nightwear.

She had even picked it out herself, which made her nervous. The closer she and Sheldon were getting, the less she was inclined to ask her girlfriends for advice. The reason eluded her, but maybe…maybe she just wanted to do this on her own. Only she could truly give herself the confidence for this.

Picking up the one lotion she had brought with her, she smoothed some down her arms and across her chest. It had a distinct but not overpowering lavender smell, meant to be calming. She wanted to make this as easy on Sheldon as possible, and while he would mock the idea of aromatherapy, it had worked for her in the past.

 _Placebo effect,_ his voice says in her head. She smirked at the voice. _Whatever works when you're down, Sheldon. Whatever works when you're down._

She took a deep breath and headed for Sheldon's room.

He was already in his pajamas, typing on his laptop when she opened the door. Despite the effort she had put into looking nice, she was determined not to freak him out like on prom night. Her intent was to stroll quickly to the bed and climb in as if she were wearing long johns and a chastity belt.

But when he looked up she froze involuntarily. She wanted to spin around, make the sparkles catch the light, hear the man she loved compliment her new nightgown. Compliment _her_.

She snapped to quickly, closing the door and turning to see him putting down his laptop. "Amy," he said softly.

 _Oh dear_. This could be good or bad. Of course everything was basically good or bad, though with Sheldon she'd learned to be happy with neutral—

"Your gown. …It's….beautiful."

She smiled shyly, the compliment welcome but taking her off guard. "Thank you," she said softly, and before she could stop herself, did a twirl that made the hem of the gown billow outward.

When she completed the 360 Sheldon had put his laptop down and was staring at her. When their eyes met he smiled briefly, but the smile faltered as she drew nearer the bed.

He picked the computer back up to allow her room on the bed and started to shut it down.

"Wait," Amy said, "I thought maybe we could watch a movie or something?" _You know, on the laptop as opposed to the TV…so we'd have to sit close_. She blushed, more from the pathos of it than the idea.

He paused as if torn between two desperate choices. "No…I'd rather not," he said, looking away. He fussed with putting the laptop up, now obviously avoiding the sight of her.

She sighed inwardly, used to this behavior. But she had chosen this man's bed, even if it took her the rest of her life to lie in it in the way she so desired.

Tonight was a start, at least.

She smoothed the satiny fabric of her nightgown nervously. As stupid and uncomfortable as it would have been, she wished she had worn a bra to bed. The nightgown wasn't particularly sheer, but still she had never felt this… _exposed_ around Sheldon. Like she Wanted It and it was Considerably Obvious.

 _Wasn't that the point?_ Also, _Duh_.

Putting her glasses carefully on the bedside table, she got up to climb under the covers.

"Wait," Sheldon said, "I thought maybe we could…talk."

 _Oh dear._

"All right," she replied warily, settling back down on top of the comforter. Sheldon sat next to her and leaned against the headboard, stretching his long legs in front of him.

And proceeded to fidget. And say nothing.

"Sheldon?"

"Hmm?"

"…What did you want to talk about?"

"Amy, do you…do you know why I'm so…still so…reluctant…" With what appeared to be great effort, his eyes met hers.

 _Holy crap._ This was not the conversation she expected. "Well…I must admit lots of theories have gone through my mind, but…they're not hypotheses I've been really capable of testing." Although she Ihad tested him over the years, hadn't she? _Dress sexy…dress nerdy…take an interest in his hobbies…leave him alone…flat-out ask for it…._

"I have no way of knowing if I'm any good at it," he said in a rush. "And I generally avoid things I'm not good at…sports, social situations, driving." He swallowed. "But if I fail at those things, it doesn't matter to me. If I'm…not good at…um, intimacy, then…."

These words for obviously next to impossible for him to be saying, and she could barely breathe. "Then…what? What are you afraid of?"

"That it won't…'live up to the hype.' You'll realize that this whole relationship thing really is without merit and leave, just as I…just as I've gotten…accustomed to it."

She gazed at him. He was apparently coming to terms with how much _she_ had changed _him_. Did he not see the same effect he had on her? He had to; socially awkward or not, he was not that dense. He was just afraid to trust what he knew he was seeing.

"Sheldon," she said softly, drawing her legs up and settling close to him. "Can I tell you something I've never told anyone? Not my mother, not Penny or Bernadette?"

He looked down briefly then met her eyes again. "Of course."

She bit her lip. She feared Sheldon would think she had lied to him all these years; but she hadn't, really. A lie by omission if anything…and it's not like they had ever talked directly about…

"I had sex once in college," she blurted out. Sheldon's eyes widened slightly but he didn't say anything.

"It wasn't anything special," she continued, now too embarrassed to meet Sheldon's gaze. "There was this guy in one of my sophomore biology classes, and we were doing a project together, and late one night when we had barely slept in like days, he…made a move. And out of curiosity I responded."

She could hear Sheldon's breathing getting shallower, but she had to finish the story. She had to get to the point.

"And like I said…it wasn't anything special," she repeated, playing with her nightgown. "It wasn't _bad_ , I suppose, I mean he was nice and all and it felt kind of good but…. It just didn't matter. It was a thing I did—a thing I had assumed I'd never have the chance to do. And my curiosity was sated, and I concluded that it wasn't something I needed in my life.

"…It was kind of a relief," she continued, her hand moving closer to Sheldon's. "Until recently."

She tentatively put her hand over Sheldon's. He didn't move away.

"I started thinking about what it was like then, and then I imagined what it would be like…with someone I love. With someone I believed loved me."

Her hand tightened around his. He still didn't move.

"I want to know what that feels like…but I feel like I already do. The mere… _thought_ of your hands on me—" She stopped, embarrassed again. "There is no way it wouldn't be amazing. There is no way _you_ wouldn't be amazing." She dared not switch from the conditional.

She knew her face was bright red, and she was afraid to look up. Then Sheldon's hand tightened around hers.

"Amy…" It looked like he was searching for something to say. He failed.

Taking her other hand in his, he said shakily, "Come here."

It was awkward until she understood what he wanted; then she settled onto his lap, her legs on either side of him mostly hidden by the gown.

She took deep breaths to steady herself while Sheldon traced his fingers along the neckline of her gown. "I…" he began, but again stalled.

Amy reached up and gently put her hands on his shoulders. "Sheldon, you don't have to say anything," she said gently. "Whatever you're thinking – don't worry about it. I love you, and if you don't want to do anything tonight"— _please want to do something_ —"that's okay. And if you…do, say, want to…kiss me…or touch me…then that's more than okay."

He smiled slightly, then brought his hands up to pull her face towards his. They kissed demurely at first, like they usually did, but the building tension made Amy gasp a little and then Sheldon's tongue was in her mouth, and oh God _this_ was kissing, this was what it should feel like, this was what she'd been wanting…

She moved her hands to his sides, pulling herself closer. She wasn't sure how he'd react, but when he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her as close to him as possible, she deduced that he was fine with it.

They kissed until they needed air, and she just looked into Sheldon's eyes, stunned, amazed, and still afraid of scaring him away. Even though he held her in a rather possessive grip, she still felt she was on shaky ground.

Then he leaned forward and kissed her neck, and the ground threatened to fall out from under her. Feeling her trembling, he stopped briefly and whispered "Is this all right?"

"Yes," she said, "yes, yes. Yes." It was all she was able to say.

He smiled against her skin and kissed down to her chest and up the other side of her neck, pausing to say something so softly she wouldn't have heard it if his mouth wasn't literally against her ear.

"I'm not ready for…everything, but I want to try to make you feel good."

"You're doing a great job so far," she panted. He pulled back, blushing, and she smiled. "I told you. Anything will be amazing because it's _you_."

He nodded almost imperceptibly, then drew her into another kiss. One of his hands crept up to her breast, and she moaned into his mouth as he gently rubbed it; his fingers grazed her nipple and her legs clenched involuntarily against him.

He made a noise that went straight to her groin, which was perfectly positioned to sense how aroused he was getting. The current status was _quite_. She rubbed her hips against his, unable to stop herself from seeking friction.

One of his hands rested on her hip, stopping her. Their kisses slowed down as his other hand found its way under her nightgown and…

She gasped again. He looked at her with concern but before he could speak she said _"Yes."_

What Sheldon lacked in personal experience, he made up for with what she assumed must be a combination of study and natural talent. She shuddered when he put his hand against her, seeking the spot that would make her—

"OH," she cried out the second his thumb found her clitoris. Somewhere in her brain was a voice, an old voice she had gotten used to, telling her how embarrassing it was for her to be so absurdly turned on. _Normal people don't react this way to the slightest touch._

But Sheldon wasn't Normal, and she wasn't Normal, and she had waited five years for this; and that old voice fucked off for good as he gently massaged until he found the perfect rhythm. She held him close and kissed him when his lips fell on hers, or whimpered when his lips fell on her neck.

Her hips moved again, she couldn't help it, and this time he didn't stop her. He gasped for breath against her neck, moving against her, adding to the friction, his fingers relentless, until she broke apart, everything going silent for a few seconds as every part of her body tensed.

"Amy…" he said into her neck, sounding desperate, sounding unsure, and she kept up the rhythm of her hips, grinding against him until he tensed as well, making an odd sound of surprise into her hair as she shuddered.

He wrapped his arms around her and kept his face buried in her hair. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean—"

She immediately pulled away and grabbed his face. "You do not apologize for _anything_ , " she said sternly, still out of breath, then kissed him to both soften and emphasize the intensity of her words.

He relaxed, and she relaxed against him. They kissed a little more, until Amy's legs couldn't handle the position anymore and she carefully climbed off. She stretched her legs out and they _ached_ , and it was wonderful.

Sheldon reached over and grabbed her hand. "Don't say anything," she warned, knowing that his mind was currently a tumult of self-doubt and instant replays. She feared she would never be able to get him to understand how he made her feel, but now she was hopeful that she'd at least get plenty of chances.

He stayed quiet for a moment, then said quickly, "I love you too."

"I know," she said, wrapping her arms around him. "I know, I know, I know…" she murmured into his neck.

"Words seem to be failing both of us tonight, Dr. Fowler," Sheldon said quietly.

Amy moved just enough to press her head against his chest. "There are myriad forms of communication extant in the animal world, Dr. Cooper," she replied clinically. "Many of which are more effective than mere words."

He hugged her against him. "Like smell?"

She looked up at him, confused.

"I know you meant for the lavender to be calming, but its scent will have a…rather non-calming effect on me in the future, I'm afraid."

She smirked. "There are plenty of other options. Jasmine—"

"Aromatherapy is hooey anyway," he interrupted her. "But I do believe lavender is now and forever my favorite fragrance."

She settled against him with a drowsy smile, happy that she did not, in fact, need expensive lotions and potions to be seen as beautiful – by one person, at least, and fortunately the only person who mattered.


End file.
